After replying to a Craigslist ad (yep!), I began a correspondence with a Prairie Home Companion producer (now: Live From Here). In total I sent 10 scripts in for submission. Here are a few of my favorites:
Dr. Goldberg, Fix Driver - sketch
(SFX driving app bloops)
Female VO (ROBOTIC): Your Fix driver is three…minutes…away. Look for a…Toyota…Prius…
(SFX Car Door opens and closes)
SB: Hi, Dr. Goldberg?
TR: (SOOTHING VOICE/EARNEST THROUGHOUT) That’s me.
An awkward pause.
SB: So… how does this work? I’ve never done a therapy ride-share before.
TR: I’m glad you asked, Karen. I’m a licensed psychotherapist and I also own a car, so the idea is I get you where you're going safely and we talk through some of your, well, things on your mind…
SB: Oh, okay then. I guess that makes sense.
TR: It says on your profile you’ve got ailurophobia…
SB: Yes...
TR: How did your fear of cats first begin?
SB: Okay umm…It was probably when I was young. We had a rescue named Mr. Sparkles and he’d always watch me when I was brushing my hair.
TR: And how did that make you feel?
SB: I mean…not great…(GETTING ANGRY) How would you feel if a cat was just staring at you? Every single morning before school. Judging you. Judging your hair.
TR: I understand, Karen. It’s good to let your emotions out. It sounds like your perception of Mr. Sparkles' attention was negative. Do you think he meant it that way? (Half Beat) Is it easier to take 280 to Exit 29 or do you have another way you prefer?
SB: (defeated) Take Vanderbilt all the way down, then a right on Broadway. Why would he keep looking? What’s there to see?
I’m only realizing now as a 29 year-old that I have beautiful, supple hair...like a Vidal Sassoon commercial…(GETTING EMOTIONAL)
She begins to weep
TR: There are tissues back there if you need. SB: They’re all used...(crying intensifies) TR: That’s good Karen. Let it out.
(Karen sobs uncontrollably)
TR We're here. You made some real progress today. SB: Wait I don't understand. That's it?
TR: Thanks for riding with Fix.
SB: Can I request another ride...? Do you have an office...? (SFX Bloop)
TR: Sorry, I've got another passenger. Good luck.
(SFX Door shuts abruptly and he drives off)
The phone bloops again and the car door opens & closes. A millennial couple is in the middle of an argument and only talks to each other.
SB: …When you leave the clothes in the washing machine for more than 20 minutes after they finish they start to smell. What do you not understand about this?
CT: I guarantee that is not a real thing. SB: Did you smell them?
CT: It was not 20 minutes babe. SB: Did. You. Smell. Them?
CT: We have a very expensive washing machine, so our clothes won’t smell. It’s literally what I paid for.
TR: Hi folks, welcome to Fix. How can I hel— SB: So it’s your washing machine now…Selfish. CT: Selfish!? It’s a washing machiiiine.
SB: Did you smell them?
CT: I’m not talking about this anymore. This is ridiculous. TR: In my opinion you'll make progress if—
SB: You don’t even care.
CT: I do care. If there’s something legitimate that upsets you then let’s talk about it like adults.
TR: That’s a great point. It’s important that—
SB: I don’t like the noise you make when you sleep.
A beat.
CT: That’s how I breathe.
SB: It keeps me up and I try to push you over and you’re too big.
CT: I’m too big now? You forced me to do Crossfit. And now I’m too big...great...
(SFX Car Door Closes)
The phone bloops again and the car door opens & closes.
FN: Hi, Dr. Goldberg?
TR: Hi Jeff? Welcome to Fix. So what’s on your mind?
FN: Well my wife and I have been arguing lately since our son went off to college. Empty nest and whatnot. And I’ve tried to do more, you know? I’ve been cooking more. Doing the dishes without asking. I even got her an HBO subscription so she can watch that show she loves - Chair of Bones.
TR: Game of Thrones?
FN: Sure, yeah. Anyway I have this rash on my arm. Been around for a week and I wanted to get a second opinion. Here.
(SFX Arm Reaching Forward)
TR: Jeff...uh, this isn’t what we do here.
FN: Well…you’re a doctor, right? I don't wanna walk the 12 blocks to the Regal Cinema…and I have a rash on my arm. What’s the problem?
TR: Did you read our terms and conditions? FN: Terms and conditions!? Nobody reads that. TR: Jeff, I’m a licensed psychotherapist.
Beat.
FN: Oh… uh...okay…my mother-in-law has been talking down to me lately—
TR: We’re here. Enjoy the movie.
*
Text Message Theater - sketch
(Dramatic organ music plays in the background)
VO: This week on Text Message Theater, Brad and Kristen try to find a restaurant for Kristen’s visiting parents…
VO: 10:45 a.m. Friday.
SB: Babe, my parents get into the city at 5:30. We need to find somewhere to eat…
VO: Burger emoji
SB: Brian dot dot dot
VO: Spaghetti emoji
SB: Brian DOT DOT DOT
(Dramatic organ intensifies)
VO: Guitar emoji
SB: Brian! This isn’t helping!
CT: Sorry.
SB: Focus please.
VO: Eggplant emoji
SB: BRIAN!!
CT: Okay fine. What kinda food does she like? Last month she was really into cucumbers, right?
SB: She’s been trying to go more humane lately.
CT: Humane isn’t a food.
CT: What about that Monsanto-to-table place I found the other day?
SB: I’m not feeding my parents lab corn.
VO: Frown face emoji
SB: K, what about Spirolina Dream, the Buttered Hen, Quinoa House, Little Pinto. Shrubbery?
VO: An infuriating 90…second…pause.
CT: Those are restaurants?
SB: A reviewer said Little Pinto “will change how you look at beans forever.”
CT: Hmm dot dot dot. What about the Sexy Radish?
SB: We’re not taking my parents to a place called the Sexy Radish.
CT: Good cuz I made it up.
SB: Brian! Please dot dot dot what about Rutabaga Nights?
CT: I’m allergic.
SB: No you’re not.
CT: You can’t prove that…
VO: Peruvian flag emoji.
SB: BRIAN!!!!
(Dramatic organ comes to a crescendo)
VO: Dad has entered the conversation.
SB: Dad? What are you doing here? Brian why is he here!?
CT: I figured he might know what your mom wants.
FN (QUICKLY): Hi honey so excited for tonight just remember your mother has a sensitive tummy the doctor has her avoiding root vegetables but she’s okay as long as she takes her pills I’m making sure she brings them okay is it hot there I checked the weather but I don’t trust the numbers maybe I’ll bring that sweater you got me and pack my special walking shoes you remember the brown ones with the strap
SB: Okay Dad
FN: P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P
FN: Sorry honey our new cat John Malkovich stepped on the iPad can’t wait to see you tonight and you too Brian love you both
VO: Dad has left the conversation. A long pause…
CT: John Malkovich huh?
SB: (with a growl) Ugh!!
VO: Will Brian and Kristen figure out a restaurant in the nick of time even though they’ll probably have to wait by the bar with everyone else who didn’t make a reservation? …Or will they break up over Brian’s mediocre rutabaga joke? Find out next time on… Text Message Theater.
*
Rewind Tech Outlet - Commercial parody
VO: The show is brought to you by Rewind, for all your obsolete technology needs. Are you tired of notifications constantly interrupting your day with sad news? Does your smartphone seem just a little too smart? Rewind’s customer service specialists are here to help you get back…to simpler times.
TR: My wife recently added me to the family plan and now I have an iPhone the size of a National Geographic.
SS: Right this way sir. (FOOTSTEPS) Here we have a 1998 Nokia 5110.
TR: Golly, what a great year!
SS: It has 5 lines of resolution, a regular clock, an alarm clock, and 32 hours of battery life.
TR: Does it have games…?
SS: Three! Memory, logic, and the ultra popular Snake.
TR: I don’t know…three games is a lot.
SS: Not a problem, sir. I’ve got another option just for you. (beat)
Here’s a set of Fisher Price walkie-talkies from 1987. Each radio has a red talk switch and a Morse code chart to send coded messages to your friends. It comes with a belt clip for hands-free portability!
TR: (gleefully) I love belts!
SS: We even provide you with the nine-volt batteries free of charge. Ernie? Why don’t you help us test these out. (to TR) Ernie’s been our janitor since the late 80s.
TR: (excited) Hello, honey?
(RADIO SOUND)
FN: (annoyed) Hello, dear.
(RADIO SOUND)
TR: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
(RADIO SOUND)
FN: It’s in the den.
(RADIO SOUND)
TR: Wow! Thanks so much, Rewind!
(DOOR CLOSING)
SS: Can I help you, young man?
CT: (sheepish) I’m in my sophomore year of high school and I just can’t keep up all these camera apps my friends are on. I mean there’s FastSnap and Pictogram and… and FaceJournal!
SS: Toby, Toby…calm down.
CT: How do you know my name?!
SS: It’s on your backpack. (beat) Here. I think this will help. Your very own Polaroid 600 instant camera.
(VERY DRAWN OUT CAMERA DEVELOPING PHOTO)
CT: Real pictures! My own camera!
SS: Yes Toby. Now you can share your photos with anyone! In person. Like a human.
CT: (amazed) Like…a human…
(CAMERA SNAP)
CT: Thanks, Rewind!
(DOOR CLOSING)
TR: (grumpy) This thing…I don’t know what this is, but I don’t want it.
SS: Hello sir. That’s an iPad.
TR: My children got it to me for Christmas. Said they’d send pictures of my grandkids on email. Don’t even like my grandkids…I want something else.
SS: Right this way. (FOOTSTEPS) Ah. Here’s something perfect for you. No batteries required.
TR: Mmhmm.
SS: Always portable. TR: Mmhmm.
SS: Powered by skill and imagination!
TR: What’s it called?
SS: It’s an Etch-A-Sketch!
TR: Does it have Solitaire?
SS: You might want to get two.
TR: Thanks, Rewind!
SS: So come on down to Rewind. Next week we start selling thousands of Blockbuster VHS tapes from their posterity liquidation sale. Don’t miss out!
VO: Rewind – get back…to simpler times.
*